This has proven to be the hardest thing I ever wrote. I’ve been tip-toeing around this note for about 2 weeks now, and I still feel like it’s not everything I wanna say.
I don’t know what’s going on. I see what’s happening but I don’t understand why. I hear what everybody is saying to me, and it confuses the hell out of me. I know the only person I should believe it’s you, but what you say to me is not the same thing you say to other people.
You tell me that none of what’s happening is my fault, yet you blame me when talking to everybody else. So I didn’t give you the attention you needed? I ignored you and your needs for months? I hurt you and married you for the papers only? Both you and I know that none of it is true. But if you really feel that way, why don’t you just tell me the truth? And why can’ you hear the other side of the story?
The truth is that I’ve been hurting for months now, I’ve been falling into this pit and was trying my best to get out. I put myself in a second place. I gave you all the space you wanted. I put you on a pedestal and did everything I could to make you happy. And I thought it was working. I thought I was doing a good job, in spite of my state of mind. You were the only light I saw during last few months. Yes, it was that bad. But I tried to never show it, cause you were my priority and I felt that you had enough stress at work. So I never once complained. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Yes – because maybe, just maybe, if I did, you’d see the attention in it. No – because I still think that you didn’t need to deal with it, and I knew that as soon as I go to work, I’d get better.
The other thing is, that it is so hard to lose everything that ever matter to me in few days. If you really knew I was depressed for months now like you told me, why did you do it the way you did? You must have known it would make things worse. Was it really the only way to play this out? There was really no humane way? Is it really making things easier for you? I despise the person I’ve been ever since it all started – bitter, angry and bitchy. But I guess that’s how my defense system works. I need to shelter myself from all the pain somehow. And you know as well as I do, that you’ve been hitting me with words lately. Sometimes I wish you would just hit me, beat me up – it would hurt so much less. And I’m surprising myself everyday with how much I can take and just brush off. It leaves bruises, but I’m still alive. My heart and soul is still there. And you’re still my world. I know that you probably feel like you lost everything lately. But you still haven’t lost me. I’m still here hanging in there, even though it’s killing me that I can’t talk to you like I used to, I can’t hug and kiss you to make all my worries go away, I can’t make love to you and see the world erupt in fireworks time after time, even though you are sleeping inches away…
With that being said – I am real, I always was. I never lied, I never cheated, I never did anything to hurt you. I supported everything you ever wanted to do, I stood behind you 100% and defended you whenever it was needed. I was there for you every step of the way. I deserve the trust, I deserve you having my back, I deserve all that and more. I gave you all you asked for, and I was ready to give you everything, even things I never thought I’d be able to give, to anyone. And I still am. Cause you are all I need. And I’m all you need too. One day you’ll see it.
All I can ask of you right now is please, take it easy. Don’t destroy me any further. I’m loosing too much, too fast. Help me survive…